This week, I did something that I’ve been wanting to do for OVER a year. Something that terrified me and I never had the courage to do it. I deleted my Instagram. Not just the app, my entire page of @shannonleeblog.
I have met and experienced many amazing people and events through the Instagram platform. It also gave me a voice and outlet for my creative side. However, behind all of that, it sucked up my time, my energy and my wellbeing. It became an extremely unhealthy way to “check out” of life. But 95% of the time when I closed the app it made me feel worse than before I had opened it and sent me into more of a depression.
The tipping point for me was a night when my daughter was crying in the hallway to my husband saying that, “All mommy ever does is be on her phone. All I want to do is be with her and cuddle her.” I had been noticing for an entire week her coming up to me when I was having “me, check out mommy time,”(which is code for, I’m bored/stressed/addicted for the 20th time in my day) and I would always brush her off. There were even times that I downright didn’t even notice she was there until after I saw her walk away. This is shameful to admit, but I want to be truthful in my reasoning for leaving as I know that I am not the only one.
My attention was always divided. And instead of leaning into more healthier ways to cope with stress I fed my ego and flesh which was only a fleeting escape and I would always crave more. Never fully satisfied. It was like an unending thirst. I would justify myself being on there all the time in many different ways.
The other part to that is I have this deep need to have to prove myself. To whom? Everyone. This has come into realization over the past few months through councilling. Because of my backstory of being bullied, forgotten about and cheated on, it created this hunger to prove everyone that I AM WORTHY. Instagram was my platform to prove it. I felt like I needed to make them see that it was a huge mistake in not including me, taking a chance on me or not caring for me the way I cared for them.
What the Lord has really been speaking to me is that I AM WORTHY. I have NO ONE to prove my life to. I am a CHILD OF THE KING. That those who truly care will still be in my life beyond my squares.
Why was I holding onto it then? The BIGGEST reason, I didn’t want to feel even more lonely than I already am. It made me feel important for that half hour or hour I was “connected”. I thought it gave me a community but it was all just a false reality. Don’t get me wrong, I have been able to meet some really awesome mamas on there whom I care about deeply. However, there’s no one that I would think to the message when things get really bad as they have over the past few years. Those are the friendships that I need in my life. It’s why I feel so extremely alone in this season I’m walking through.
It actually created a trust issue now in my life. I don’t really trust anyone anymore. My desire to seek out friendships diminished because of the easy access it was to feel as if I belonged somewhere but yet didn’t. I wrote a post recently saying, “Those that you want to care, never truly will. Don’t forget about the ones that do and show up for you.” Giving up Instagram is me stopping the chase of the ones I wish cared and focusing on the ones that truly do.
How am I feeling after three days of being disconnected giving up all that I created on Instagram? Lost, if I’m honest. It’s strange but freeing. Also, a huge reality check after only two people messaged me to see if I was okay. A massive shot to the ego but a great confirmation on my decision.
What now? I am on the pursuit of simplicity and contentment. I don’t want to be bombarded by what I could have or should be or what others think I need. I want to quiet the noise and leave sacred space for my children, my husband, myself and nourishing old and new true friendships face to face.
Thank you to all those that followed my journey on there. Also to the ones who cared when life was getting hard and the ones that didn’t give up on me and became actual friends, you know who you are.
All my love,