It is 2 am and as I wake by the baby screaming my head pounds for the second day in a row. I nudge the husband and ask for him to bring her to me.
She is awake for the third time tonight, and I do not have it in me anymore to try and soothe her any other way than my milk.
I drift in and out of sleep as she gets her fill and the comfort she was desperately seeking. Finally, she’s done, and I walk down the hall in a zombie-like fashion. Although annoyed and tired her tiny little moans bring me joy and comfort.
Head still pounding, I lay back down and fall asleep hoping this pain will be gone when I need to start my day again in a few hours.
It doesn’t. And I crack. The trigger has been pulled, and the bullet of anxiety, depression, and struggling comes speeding at me. I can not dodge it today. The lack of sleep, the pressure to be someone I am not and another illness is too much to carry.
I do not want this life. I want to thrive not just survive. More than anything I want to be a mother that my children can rely on and come to no matter what. To be the example of Christ that I have been called to.
My dearest children, I am sorry. Sorry that over the past four years I have not been the mother that I hoped to be. I want you to know that the evenings that I spent locked in my room was not because of you. On the days where nothing you seemed to do was right and all you heard were words that I now regret, those were my flaws, not yours.
You are my everything. The blessings you give are more than I could have ever imagined. My mind has stolen too many hours from you. It has robbed me of the bond we once had. Where bedtimes were precious, and I listened to your heart and worries. Instead, the darkness of my own room ensnared me. No longer it is me that is asked to come tuck you in at night. It hurts but I know it is only because I wasn’t there.
Today, my thankfulness to grace overcomes my failures to you. Slowly my mind has healed. The days are shorter where being locked in my room brings me more comfort than being in your presence. Joy has surfaced more often than not. The light has illuminated my heart once again. I smile to myself now because I cannot wait for days with you. I pray and give thanks for each new one that greets me. JOY comes in the morning now.
“I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.” Ezekiel 36:26