I cannot help but be honest and raw when I’m telling a story. It is engrained in me. A gift, a curse maybe? I have yet to decide.
Four years and nine months ago I found out I was pregnant with our third baby. My reaction was a complete 360 from my last two pregnancies. Instead of the exhilaration as you wait for those two lines to appear on your home pregnancy test, I was sitting on the toilet praying and pleading it would be negative.
My hands and body pulsed with fear as I turned over the test. Positive. I was pregnant again only a mere six months after I had given birth to our second. This would be my third pregnancy in under three years.
I was weary and just wanted my body to have a break from the pain that pregnancy inevitably brings me. My mind went to dark places in the coming weeks after I found out.
Sitting in my living room, I would weep as I nursed my six-month-old baby. The salty tears would flood my mouth because of the thoughts that kept running through my mind. Abortion, an “accident” were just a few scenarios that cycled through my mind daily.
I know what you must be thinking, “How on earth did she think that and be a Christian?” But I did. I was in such disbelief and pain from feeling like I was betrayed by God and by my husband. Which, my friends, is a whole other story in itself.
So why tell you all of this? Because the Lord knew exactly what this mama needed. He knew she needed that big 10lb 7oz boy placed on her chest nine months later and the joy that he would bring her. That she would not even be able to put into words the pure love that this boy would bring and that continues to fill her soul with each and every day.
It breaks my heart when I think about those early weeks when my thoughts were in a dark abyss after finding out.
Today David turns four. Four years I have been blessed with the sweetest, cuddliest little man. I absolutely cannot imagine my life without him in it. I would be lost without him.
Each child of mine has a special song that I sing to them. As I nursed and rocked my baby boy to sleep each night this song filled my lips and the room,
“Tell me about your day, the good and the bad, and I will wash you clean, and I will sing you songs. Yes, Jesus loves you the Bible tells me so. Yes, Jesus loves you the bibles tells me…Jesus loves you this I know, for the Bible tells me so. Little ones to Him belong. They are weak, but He is strong. Yes, Jesus loves you. Yes, Jesus loves you. Yes, Jesus loves you. The Bible tells me so.”
And on nights when he is feeling a little bit down he turns to me and asks, “Mommy, sing me my song.”
Of course my dear boy, always.
David’s Shirt is from one of my favorite local shops: Darling + Bandit