I know I said this morning that today’s early post with Elate was going to be my last until after Boxing Day but after taking some photos this morning it spurred on some writing.
This past year has had a torrent of ups and downs for me and our entire family. I have walked the dark valley of depression when loss after loss kept hitting me in the face and pulling me under just when I thought I was able to swim to the shore finally. Then in God’s amazing grace sent a broken mama to a place her heart needed the most, India. Looking back at my time there it still overwhelms me that my Lord cares so deeply about our pain and loss. Then to end everything off my womb was opened for the last time and I am now carrying our precious little lady.
Pregnancy has not been an easy road and it made me question many times if we had made the right decision. Made me wonder if adding another baby would cripple us from being the best parents that we could be.
All of these events took me into a season of passionless motherhood. I resented my children. The whining and constant fighting wore my weary soul even more than it already was. When you are sick every day and just trying to survive it is easy to get lost in the hardships that parenting brings and forget the why’s of wanting to become a mother. You forget that they are just little ones wanting to be loved and needing such guidance as they figure out this gigantic world around them.
I lost my why. And as I type this out it is finally feeling like I am taking the first steps in getting that why back as the salty tears hit my dried cracked lips.
These little people are my everything. They bring me joy and love me the way Christ does, with an unconditional love. I can do no wrong in their eyes and even when I do they are extremely quick to forgive.
Oh, what lessons we can learn from children. The ability to look beyond hard and exhausting days and look us in the eyes and tell us just how much they love us as we tuck them into bed at night. My daughter Abigail one year would always say to me at night, “Mommy, I love you as much as Jesus loves you.”
How can I not go through the pain that pregnancy has brought me this time around and be so extremely thankful for this life inside. For the life that is going to fill our hearts the day she takes her first earth side breathe and completes our family. We all love her so much right now that I cannot imagine the fulfillment she is going to bring once she is here.
Motherhood is one of the hardest roles that there is. But it is also the most rewarding. The one that both brings you immense pain but also the greatest love you will ever know. It is worth every second, of every day and I would not trade it for anything.