Monday morning I woke to the gentle sound of the rain on my rooftop. It is a sound that frequently makes me smile and quietens my soul. However, not this one particular morning, I was rigid and cold. I knew I was not myself and that this day was going to be a challenge for me.
My husband woke up and tried to caress my back and greet the morning together but all I could do was lay there in a muteness. Understandably so, he eventually got up and out of bed in irritation due to my lack of warmness and my silence.
I continued to lay in my bed where I feel most comfort in times when discouragement overcomes and encompasses me. This thing called life is not easy. Emotions are deceiving and I tend to let them get into my head. It’s when the depression sneaks up on me, even still.
I had been feeling extremely discouraged last week. The feeling of failure was all around me and on that Monday it broke me. Hearing my own voice even irritated me. For the remainder of that day, I was closed off and sure that I was going to quit everything that I had started, blogging, photography, homeschooling, all of it. These are the areas where I was feeling the most discouragement which lead to me feeling like a horrible mother and wife heck, even a person for that matter.
I removed myself from most of the groups I was in online and was planning my phasing out of my blog and photography. I even deleted my apps from my phone. Then, I slept.
When my family finally returned from the long day that they had and the kids were put to bed, that was when I was finally ready to talk with my husband about how I was feeling. How does this man have such patience for me? I had just spent the entire day in my room, soundless and yet there he was waiting by my side as the tears came but the words wouldn’t until I was ready.
Like always he reassured me of everything that I had been feeling discouraged by. I am so very lucky to have someone to let me know how much value I do have when I cannot bear to see it myself.
All of this made me understand who I am and who I am not.
I am not a person who will continue pouring into a relationship if it is not being returned. At some point, I need to let it go and realize it’s not as important to them as it is to me.
I am, however, a person who will gladly give my time and love when the same effort is given. This does not mean it needs to come at the same time as each other. I understand we all have our seasons but when it is always one sided, that is it for me.
I am not a person who will fight over something silly.
I am, however, a person who will stand up for what I believe if I am forced to do so. Which is the importance of family, my God and the value of people.
I am not a person who will stick to a dream if I no longer have a passion for it.
I am, however, a person who sees when my dreams have changed and will let go of the old one and start again fresh with a new dream.
I am not a person who will fight for an opportunity if it means hurting someone else in the process.
I am, however, a person who will gladly either accept or pass on opportunities that build other’s up, is in line with my values and will benefit both parties of the partnership.
AND I am not a person who will conform to the crowd just because it might get me better views or sponsorship.
I am, however, a person who believes in staying true to who I am and what it is that I value.
As you can see, I am not closing my blog down but I am still considering letting go of my photography. My passion for it has gone. I love taking pictures of my own family and the adventures we go on but gone are the days where I get excited about doing a family session or any other type of session. Which will mean letting go of my camera that I have to downsize to one that is more practical for our family and my blogging endeavors.
Your younger self always thought that when you grow older you will know yourself entirely but it never works out that way does it? We change as we age, as we gain new wisdom and insight and as we walk through dark valley’s that challenge and shape us. We come out on the other side of those times and realize we are not who we once were. Then the process of re-evaluation starts once again. That is what I had to do on that Monday. Now, I can see what my goals are, what it is that I truly want for myself, my family, and this space I call Adventurous Mama. It will not be easy and I am sure discouragement will come again but for now, I’m trucking along, taking it one day at a time.