At the bottom of the darkness deep

It happened, again. I was so confident that everything was going well this time. I mean I had most of the symptoms except, the one. I was only 4 or 5 weeks but surely it was on it’s way. It is the one that I know everything is okay. But it wasn’t.

The first time it happened was heart wrenching, but I trusted. I trusted that He was bigger than this. That He still loved me and even more, the one I had lost. This time though. This time, my trust was broken and the doubts came flooding in.

About a week before we were about to travel to Oregon my husband and I finally made the decision to try again. I had been on the fence since my last miscarriage but my heart was now ready. Ready to welcome another precious baby to our family. I tried not to think about it to much and didn’t expect to get pregnant, if at all, for a least another month or so. However when we were away I started getting some symptoms. I held out as long as I could to take a pregnancy test at home but that didn’t last very long. Positive. I took at least five just to be sure. Yes five; you do not want to know how much that cost. The dollar stores were out of stock of them if that helps you figure it out at all. I digress.

I prayed. Jon prayed. I reached out to a select few people to pray. We held off telling family. I even held off contacting the midwives. I wanted to be sure. You always want to not get attached after you have had one miscarriage. You want to try and save yourself from the hurt that may come. But you can’t. Well, I couldn’t. I was excited. I was hopeful. I was dreaming of names. I even bought a t-shirt that I loved wearing at home that said, “there’s a peanut in my belly.”

After a wonderful day celebrating my mother in law on BC Day, (you know I was so close in announcing it that day),  I went to the washroom and my excitement, hopes and dreams shattered as I looked at the blood. The horror sucked the breath out of me. I knew. I knew again it was happening. That once again I would have to say goodbye to my baby as I flushed the toilet. And I wept in the arms of my husband.

The weeks that past were my worst. I was depressed and closed off. More so than last time. The pain I felt was put there by God, or so I thought. I felt betrayed by my heavenly Father. My trust, broken. I knew then how people walk away. How for a little while or maybe even longer that it is easier to blame, to forget that He is good. Easier to be in the dark where my sin, pleasures and selfishness has merit. To give up on the battle of the flesh. But the thing about our God is that He doesn’t leave you in the darkness. He is waiting, always waiting for you to come back with His arms wide open. Ready to help you heal. To comfort. To sooth. To bring back life and love and hope. My favorite song the past few months digs deep into my soul about just how much our God loves us:

“There is not a man or a beast.
Nothing on the land or underneth that can ever come between the love you have for me.
I can lay my head in Sheol.
I could make my bed at the bottom of the darkness deep
Oh, but there is not a place I could escape you.
Your heart won’t stop coming after me.”
“Heart won’t stop” John Mark & Sarah McMillan

No matter how deep in darkness, in pain, in hate, in distrust that we we fall, there He is. There is NOT a place that we can escape His love for us. I know that more so than ever now. And maybe that was the point to all of this. It is only in trails that we draw closer to Christ and further from ourselves. The pain of a loss of a loved one or any difficulty can sometimes blind us to what is there in the end. To the forever home that is waiting for us, along with the babies that we have not met and had to say goodbye to and also to those who we have. Eternity. That is the bigger picture isn’t it?! Eternity. Where “He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no
more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for
the former things have passed away.” (Rev.21:4).

Thank you to those who prayed before, during and are still praying. Your prayers were and still are felt. I have hard days that hit me out of no where from time to time. I will wake up and be angry, irritable and just want to sleep. But I am so thankful for all the support and love that surrounds me. From the deepest parts of my soul, thank you. 

-Adventurous Mama
“The Spirit and the bride say, “Come!” And let him who hears say, “Come!” Whoever is thirsty let him come, and whoever wishes, let him take the free gift of the water of life.” (Rev. 22:17)