My mind has not been able to stop whirling around like a breeze tossing a fallen leaf on a cold fall day, around and around it goes. Even trying to sit down and write this has been a great effort. What have I been working through? The fairness or lack thereof, of….. life. How it is fleeting. How we never know when it will be our time. How cruel it can be. I have spent countless hours crying out to my God this past year and a half. Not only for myself and my babies but for another babe as well. Then having the earth-shattering realization that His answer is, “No.” There will be no healing. There will be no future for your babies as my hand clutched my lower abdomen and it groaned in a labor that would not bear me a child that I could hold but was to flush down a set of pipes.
Yet, still, there is this glimmer, flicker of a flame that is still burning inside of me that I just cannot ignore. I believe in miracles. I believe God will show up when we think He won’t and in praying until there’s nothing left to pray. And even if in the end He still says, “No,” I will praise Him for the grace of Christ that we will be together again. That even though the time that we will be separated will be excruciating and downright gut retching at times, it is not a true goodbye. What does that mean? It means that in this flesh I will not hold my babies but when I reach eternity I know they will be there waiting as if no time had passed at all. We will rejoice together and embrace each other. Will we sit at the table that the Lord will set before us and feast together. Together. I need to write that again, together. What an unfathomable thought but yet so real.