Twenty fifteen. The year where the earth beneath me started to shake and kept shaking till, all at once the ground gave way and along with it, myself. Since then I have drowned in many days worth of my salty tears. I have screamed at God, at my loved ones and own self. Why could I not have been strong enough to stand firm as loss, after loss, after loss shook me off my feet? Why could I not get back up again? I’m human, that is why. Our emotions are what make us real. They are our spirit in a sense. Without emotion, what would we be?
My Eden. I longed and still long to know who you would have been. To have felt your silky soft skin against mine. To have you latch and drink of my milk. It was not to be. You were my first loss. The start of the earthquake beneath me. It caught me off guard, as most disasters do. Ripping through my somewhat “perfect” life. What the hell just happened? Was it real, or can I awake from the nightmares that haunt me since losing you?
None the less my Lord said, “Arise” and so I did. My heart, a little more broken than it was before, but I was breathing, I was alive. Thankful for three healthy babes that I already did have and a community who clothed us in love and kindness.
Then, after I thought life was just starting to rebuild and the aftershocks stopped, again we were saying goodbye before we had the chance to say hello. Another layer of earth fell away along with my entire body collapsing to the ground with it. If I would have had ash nearby, I would have torn my clothes in my anguish and heartache. I would have wept till I drowned myself in my tears. Again I cried out in throbbing to my God and asked Him, “WHY?” I am not afraid to ask, for I know my Father knows the pain I suffer in this earthly body of mine. He knows death and He wept alongside me.
“Arise,” again He called out to me. “Arise, my child.” So I did. But my earthly mind could not withstand the pain I had endured and the battle began to walk amongst the earth shaking as I tried to find my steps each day.
I am healing. I am breathing; living. Raw and torn in the deepest parts of my soul but each day my lungs pump in new breathe and I walk, no, I stumble. I am okay with that. I am okay with not being okay. For I know that this life is worth living and there is beauty still all around me. Every day they greet me with smiles and love that never fades and always forgives. They laugh and it awakens my soul. They are the ones that keep me going. Keeping me from drowning even though now I float on my back most days, too tired to swim to shore. I am not ready yet. Time heals they say, such the cliché is it not? There is truth in it, even if we never do fully heal.
Building over takes time, doesn’t it? It is not trouble-free but worth each brick of a new foundation we lay down. Each day I commit to His call, “Arise, my child.” Life, even among the anguish there is a beauty. Love. Light. I am surrounded by it. It keeps these shaking feet moving, one step at a time.