At times motherhood has made me feel like I was in a prison
cell, yes I said a prison cell. When I first became a new mother, none of my friends were even married and all
without kids. Sure I had my own mom whom I did call frequently (thanks mom!)
but for the most part I felt so alone. We had just entered into a new church
and a new life really, that I had no one to turn to other than books and the
internet, which in my opinion can help but often times does more harm than good.
|Abigail, our first.|
my second we still had not been
connected into our church well. It was me, at home all day “talking”
to these little people and listening to
Toy Story or Frozen play for the hundredth time. There were days when I had no fricken clue
what the hell I was doing. Was it normal for my toddler to not eat for most of
the day, then whine and complain at night that her tummy hurts? Was it normal
for my 2 year old to scream at the top of her lungs over not being able to put
her shoes on? Or that my infant would not let me put him down, at all?
|Elizabeth, our second. Born 22 months a part from Abigail|
around me? Someone to share all of the “lovely” experiences. Motherhood is lonely and it still can be to
this day even though my kiddos have grown out of that baby stage and I have an
awesome community around me. There still can be weeks before I have contact or a conversation with someone else other than my kids or my husband. (Insert Adele voice now, “Hello from the other side?”)
feeling imprisoned right now, it gets better, it does.
child jumping on you demanding that they watch TV or breakfast be made. Getting
the kids off to school or any other program they might be involved in. Make
lunch, nap time (if you are one of the lucky ones), play, make dinner (witching
hour over here) then the dreaded bedtime routine starts and finally when they
are asleep the battle begins, “Do I stay up and finally get some me time”
or “Do I go to bed so maybe I can
function better the next day?” Which by the way I think 99% of us chose
option A. Then it’s sleep, repeat.
be different for each child! Sleeplessness does wicked things to a person.
Trust me, I know. I cannot count on both
hands how many times I have lost it on either my husband or my children. Just the other day I honked the horn and may have screamed a little while driving home. There
has been full out raging at times. Moments when the lack of sleep takes over
all of me and rage is the only thing left. Like a bomb going off and everyone’s left wondering what the heck just happened, including me.
|David, our third, born 14 months a part from Elizabeth|
is crying in the darkness, who has just lost her temper and remembers her child’s
wide fearful eyes looking up at her, it is okay. We all have those days. If you have not please tell me your ways,
honestly. But those days end at some point, the light peers through slowly and
warms your soul up and sleep comes again, along with yourself. Don’t forget the
beautiful grace that we receive. Where would we be without that beautiful grace?
with my children has been 100% worth it. They are precious and I would not
change a thing. I still have my days when I sit and fantasize about hiking
through the mountains every other weekend with friends but again, I would
not change a thing. Motherhood is one of the most difficult things in life I believe, one of the most selfless things.
you are doing the best job that only YOU can do. Cry if you need to. Ask
forgiveness if you need to, I do A LOT. Ask for help if you need to. Those babies of yours
love you. YOU are their mama. Even
if you only fed and clothed them in a day, they are alive and well, tomorrow is
a new day and the next and the next.
cell door opens and you are you again. Fresh air hits your face and nose and you get adjusted to the light, eventually. You will find ways to become the person you
were before children, along with being their mama.