As I sit at the table aching for him to come near me, to
hold me, comfort me, anything to feel
a connection, I sit in
silence frustration anger. It is my own pride and
stubbornness that keeps me from reaching for him or speaking out loud the
longing I am feeling. Instead I push the yearning deep down inside, along with
the lump in my throat and reach for my phone. My phone. Not flesh and blood
but an object that holds no value in the end.
and engagement. I feel like it gets
me more than he does. An object…..a flipping phone. It has no living parts,
no blood or life flowing through it. Only wires, screws and whatever else is in
there. But no, not life. Not really.
to the ones that matter the most. My family. My husband, my children and Oh
Lord forgive me, to You.
mind my profanity, I love Jesus but I curse a little.)
only I was to have a boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/companion, my life would be better. I’m
not saying being lonely and wanting companionship is wrong or the longing to be
loved and live a life with someone is not validated, it is. Read that
again if you need to, IT IS! However, it is not what will fill you up to the
brim. Only Jesus can.
let Him. It is
It is ME that needs to seek and to cling to the vine, to the cross.
not always be the “honeymoon” stage. Where the excitement of a new
life together fills our days and nights. Keeping us warm between the sheets.
There will be stages, what I like to call them, “what the hell was I
thinking” stage. The stage where the sheets between the two of you makes
you shiver to the bone. You will get visions of a life alone and free, no
matter how fleeting they come and go. A life imagined, where you could do
whatever the hell you wanted without it effecting an entire household, where
you didn’t have to ask “permission” just to run to Shoppers Drug Mart
for an hour or two.
despair, but this is me, bleeding out like I do when I write, I can’t help it. When it flows it flows fast. It is also for those that
are not yet married, be prepared for these kinds of seasons. They are rigid and
can make you feel like you are fighting a rip tide as it pulls you and your spouse
further and further apart. You need to
cling to Christ and let Him love your spouse the way you cannot. Let Him help
you reach for your husband instead of that dead, cold, plastic phone or
whatever your vice might be. It will not fill you. Or it might, but it is fake
and fleeting, just like a drug. After your fix wears out you will need another,
and another and another.
and loss has had its toll. How are we getting through it? Jesus. There are many
mine. Then when everything slows down, we look at each other and we know the gap
that the enemy has started to build and we cling to each other again, to Him.
The three of us. Cause that is the only way we are going to survive.