Every morning is hard these days. I welcome the night that I once
feared because I know that no one will need anything. I won’t have to
struggle through the meals, fights, school, cleaning of the house,
changing diapers and wiping bums. I can just be. I can get lost in
nothing and sit and stare at a TV all night to push back the feelings of
hopelessness that have once again crept in.
It’s my default. Always has been and I fear always will be. As far back
as I can remember I have had dark thoughts, even in childhood. Thoughts
about ending my life when things get really hard; like they are now. I
have not admitted this too many. In some ways I thought it was perfectly
normal and if it was not then I would just be stronger. I could fight
it, there was nothing really that wrong with me. I would just take a few
days and then be better. Wrong. Dead wrong.
Why am I admitting this now and so publicly? Because I do not want
someone to go through what I had to today. I want someone to read this
story and either have hope that you are not alone or someone to stop and
remember this post and the next time they have the urge to be rude to
someone, that they would choose kindness and forgiveness instead.
Today after I finally got dressed, even though I have worn the same
thing for 4 days now, I put on makeup. Which is a step up from pj’s,
which has been my life for awhile now. I went to my daughter’s share day
at her music class, reluctantly dropped my husband off at work because
without him it has been hard. Decided hey, I’m not just going to leave
the kids in the van this time to drop off some library books, I’m going
to suck it up and let them have some joy of picking out books and some
DVD’s. In and out. Ten minutes max I told myself. I can handle that.
They searched and picked and I did the same. We headed to the self-
checkout where I knew it was time to finally pay my library fines.. Then
among the shuffling of kids and whacking of hands away from turning off
the computer, a lady came to wait next. I still had a stack of about
twelve books and five movies still needing to be checked out. I took my
time. Yes, I fully admit that because 1.) I wanted to make sure that
all books were checked out properly. 2.) Rushing always makes situations
like these worse. 3.) I wanted to make sure that each kid was holding
their special book or movie so when we walked out of the library it was
smooth sailing, 1, 2, 3. 3.) I wanted to make sure that all the books
were in that flimsy grocery bag properly so they didn’t fall out as I
was walking out the door. Lastly I knew that there was an available
librarian that could check out this lady’s books if she was in that much
of a hurry.
Let’s pause for a second cause I want to make sure you have this picture
in your head. A depressed, tired mom with 3 young excited children
trying to check out 12 books, 5 DVD’s, pay some fines like a good
citizen while a line- up was forming behind her, all the while trying to
take her time so that crap doesn’t hit the fan when she turns around to
leave the damn library. Alright do you got it? Let’s move forward.
I turned around and there was yet another lady waiting to check out her
books. I looked up, she shook her head at me. The lady who was first
decides to move my things out of the way (wallet, keys etc.) which
weren’t in a purse because my new purse was already falling apart. I
kindly said, “You know a librarian could have checked those out for
you.” Now the second lady who was so “patiently” waiting said some nasty
words to me about taking my time. Me being flustered and upset tried to
make her see that I have three children trying my best. Her response, ”
I DON’T CARE.”
And that is exactly the problem. Too many people do not give a crap,
they don’t care. Not one of those ladies asked if they could help in any
way. Not one person stepped up and offered help. The librarian didn’t
offer her help to the other two ladies to get their items checked out.
They all just stood and waited “patiently.”
And as I headed for the door angry, hurt, about to burst into tears,
they all shook their heads and was glad for my departure. And wouldn’t
you know it, the bag burst and the books that I had tried so hard to fit
into that flimsy bad because I was too afraid to grab another, tumbled
across the concrete and under my van.
To the ladies who did not have the patience or kindness, I want you to
know that, you see that mom up there, in that picture, she has lost two
babies that she desperately wanted within a year. A father whom she
loved deeply despite everything, had to say goodbye as he lay
beautifully in his coffin only a month ago. A mom who is fighting to
live and love as the loss weighs her down. A mom who is still trying for
that baby and each day wonders and is fearful if she will have to say
goodbye a third time.
To those who see not only a mom struggling out in public but anyone do
not walk away. Ask if they need help. Offer a helping hand. If they or
anyone in that library would have offered up help I wouldn’t have been
sitting in my van bawling my eyes out, hurt and thinking once again I am
worthless and once again having to fight and remember that I am NOT!
I will not raise my children to be like you. I was able to use this to
teach them about kindness and forgiveness towards each other and to
those that they encounter, so thank you for that. Please choose
kindness. I have no idea what is going on in those women’s lives that
they could not wait 3 minutes for me to gather my things and children.
Maybe you to are struggling. Maybe making others feel like an
inconvenience is your way in dealing. Even if you are not, I forgive
Please know that I am seeking help now to help me walk through the grief and hurt from my past.
If you are struggling with thoughts of self harm PLEASE seek out help! Know that you are not alone in this. Know that you were created for a purpose and even if you can not see that now you will with the right help!!