I haven’t stuck to a New Years resolution in years. Well to be honest I don’t think I ever have. But this year I am determined to try! At the top of my list is to love my self. This sounds completely selfish and self-centered but it is something that I need to do. I need to know that I am worth something. That my flaws don’t matter. That the fact that I may be 20lbs over weight and the fact that my stomach looks like I am still 5 months pregnant DOESN’T MATTER!! It is crippling me. It is crippling my marriage. It is crippling my joy and stealing my life away. For years I have been struggling with my self-worth. Struggling to know, “WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME LORD?!” What is my purpose?! What worth do I bring to this life?
It’s just I’ve been so tired for so long. And although I know that, “this too shall pass”, right now it is hard to see through the sleep deprived nights and the person I feel is starring back at me in the mirror.
The second on my list is, being thankful. For the past few years I have been picking up the book “One Thousand gifts” by Ann Voskamp. I love this book. She talks about eucharisteo, meaning thanksgiving. Thanksgiving brings joy. I need joy again. I am thankful for so many things in my life but it is so easy to forget and to actually thank God for them. And that is the key. I am going to try and get back to doing my thankful Thursdays to help me with this. To be continually looking through out my week in everything that the Lord has blessed me with and acknowledging that.
Third, love more deeply, my family, my friends and others. I want real deep relationships. This is one of the reasons why I wear my heart on my sleeve.Why I am so open with my heart and my feelings. I want to experience walking through life together. Fellowship. Carrying each others burdens. Please, I am always open to coffee or tea at my place if you need to talk. I can’t promise that I will have the greatest advice but I do promise to faithfully pray for you and listen!
Life goes so extremely fast and the main thing everyone says these days is “we are so busy.” I’m guilty of this as well! But maybe there are things in our lives that we can give up? Maybe you are just as lonely as I am? Being a mom of young kids is lonely. Especially in our culture these days. I’m also reading another book called “Desperate” by Sarah Mae. I’ve mentioned it before in past posts. The other night this paragraph stuck out to me. “The loneliness, boredom, and isolation of women alone in their homes compound the issue even further. And now with the internet, television, smartphones, and computers, there are a myriad of new ways to distract and lead a mom away from her center.” Let’s do life together!
And lastly I want to experience life. Real life. This sounds so corny I know but I am sick of waiting for the kids to go to bed just so I can watch Grey’s Anatomy or whatever new show I’ve got going on. Good bye Netflix, hello life! I also want to document this new life I am seeking. So be prepared for more blogging! Have you seen the movie Julie and Julia? Well there is this one line that I can relate to immensely. It is when the actress playing Julie says to her boyfriend (while she is making the most delish looking bruschetta might I add), “I could write a blog, I have thoughts.”
Please know that my husband is extremely supportive of me. He tells me all the time that he loves me and thinks I am beautiful.I also have wonderful caring friends who message me and respond to my posts as well. It is just I need to know that. That I am worth his love. My kids love. It needs to take root into my heart. I am hoping that these resolutions or goals whatever you call them will help me to obtain that. Help me to trudge a little harder through the mud of life back into green pastures.